I don't know why I chose that title but this is an organic post. In the sense I really have no idea what I'm about to write about. I know I'm going to try really hard not to be woe-be-me because I'm aware that no matter what I or my family are going through it is nothing compared to others pain and anguish. I'm especially reminded considering the events in America on Friday. So I'm trying my hardest to keep some perspective. Though it's getting difficult.
This time of year, Christmas, can be exceptionally stressful for the very best of us. It's a push every year to make the festive period as great as it can be. Making sure you have everyone bought for, sent christmas cards to the right people, hoping present deliveries arrive in time. Then you sort the shopping, the cooking, the running of Christmas day itself. It's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves. So why do we do it? Because we enjoy the results probably. Some of us have families and have had great traditional Christmasses all through our lives and that tradition brings comfort and joy (pardon the pun). I like to think of Christmas as my Thanksgiving in a way. Every year I'm thankful for those around me and what they bring to my life.
There are people out there who have nobody to share Christmas with. That's the stark reality.
Last year I suffered a breakdown. Because I put far too much pressure on myself. There was nobody else heaping it on me, it was all down to me. There were no circumstances making it difficult only me and my mental health. As soon as the clinic opened again after Christmas I was attending, determined to get myself some help.
This year I am struggling harder than last. I've recognised the signs earlier and I'm backing off myself. Sometimes we need to give ourselves space to come to terms with the holiday.
This year I find myself in chronic pain, awaiting an appointment to see a surgical consultant. I have been seen by more doctors than I can remember in the last 4 weeks, I'm on round two of antibiotics, I'm supposed to be taking it easy, I can't go out (Dr's advice) in case I pick up another infection and I was given the news today that this will be the case over Christmas. Unless there is a new development I have to find a way to muddle through Christmas as is.
We lost our Granda 3 weeks ago now. It's our first real loss. I can't even begin with that one.
With all of this going on I am struggling. I don't mind saying it. Hell this is why I started this blog.
Depression is a real issue. It's an important issue. Our mental health is fragile. We need to treat it with kid gloves sometimes. It's better to be cautious rather than pick up the pieces after the shatter occurs.
I need to be aware now. I am noting moods, swings, triggers. I am determined to make it through Christmas and I'm determined that my 2 year old kid, and my 35 year old kid (husband) will have a great Christmas, full of festive cheer.
I'm one of the seriously lucky ones. I have my husband and my 2 year old. There are those that don't have that. There are those that have nobody. There are those that will contemplate the unthinkable this Christmas.
If you are feeling depressed, if you are feeling that you cannot cope I urge you to speak to someone and I urge you to do it soon. Before it's too late. It really can be as easy as picking up the phone. Or sending an email. Or tweeting. Or messaging.
Even if it is only virtually, someone somewhere will be there.
I'll finish this post by saying this...
If you can't have a Merry Christmas just get through it. There's a new year on the other side and none of us know what that may bring.