I tend to draft a lot of personal posts on this blog. For a lot of different reasons. Some I think would act as triggers for others I know who have their own mental health issues. Some I deem far too woe-be-me to even let my husband proof read. Some make literally no sense, not even to me when I read them back.
With all that being said this post is a total wing. I have a vague idea what I need to chat about but whether or not I make it to that point or if this post even makes it to publish.... well, who knows.
I've had a knock back. We all knew it was coming. With baby steps I'd managed to gain quite a bit of distance between me and agoraphobia. For a while there I had become rather adept at suppressing panic attacks. I had become a pro at holding my breath until I had crossed the threshold of my front door heading to the big outside. I was coping a little better with the pounding in my chest that resonated in my ears and seemed to pulse around my vision. It was inevitable that I was headed for a stumble and stumbled I have.
I knew when I woke up this morning it was the wrong day to try and cope with outside. Yet I suppressed and busied myself. As the morning went on there were a few issues I had to deal with that left me feeling quite anxious. It was a recipe for disaster then that I attempted to do the 5 minute run with my family to the local store. It didn't take much. The wee dude got a little boisterous (not even that much so) and I lost my footing completely. My hairs went on end, I got confused, I couldn't remember what I was in the store for and I couldn't figure out the quickest way out. And it just got worse from there.
I made it home eventually. I actually attempted walking the small distance to my house which was a huge mistake as now I'm in agony but it was important that I did. When I made it out of the store initially I was just about controlling my breathing. The heavy head and pounding had taken up residence and I was highly agitated. This would usually be the point where I need to get home that instant. This time though? The car was making me feel claustrophobic. I felt boxed in by the small area and my husband and son's voices. I couldn't think. The panic wasn't subsiding. So I got out of the car and breathed. And kept on breathing.
I'm not quite sure what this new development means and I'll be sure to be discussing it with my relevant health care professionals but I know I don't feel good about it.
I had a knock back. A very strange new knock back. Mental Health likes to do that every now and again. But I'm here and I'm writing this post (whether or not it makes it to you) and I'm focusing on something other than how disappointed I feel.
For today though, that's all I've got. No little summary, no quips and no fluff either. I seem to be all out of fluff for today. I feel I should make a reference to buying a pretty dress but I don't think I even have it in me tonight. Though if it were a dress with wings I could be persuaded...
I truly hope you all had a better day than I! If you did please stop by and tell me about it and even if you didn't have a good day - have a moan. A problem shared and all that.