I sit writing this post tonight after giving it a lot of consideration over the past week. Some things, believe it or not, even the more honest amongst us find hard to really put out there. It can be difficult to lay yourself bare, open to criticism or even just face up to the situation you're in. How does that old saying go? the truth can indeed be hard to handle.
This is where I find myself.
I found myself over the past year. Or at least a part of myself. I found joy on these pages, I truly did. I still do. But something has changed. I actually considered shutting down. For the very first time.
I feel tired. Truth be told I feel beaten. Can't blame anyone but myself for this defeatest attitude either so this post is me facing up to the situation I find myself.
I'm not getting much better. I had hoped and wrongly expected to be feeling a lot better nearly 2 weeks after what was meant to be a fairly straightforward surgery. Instead my mobility is still limited, my attention span isn't up to much, I'm on far too much medication than I think is healthy and I don't know where my mind is at.
This is the issue.
I'm anxious, I'm sad, I feel different. I don't know where my mind is at.
When I came home from the hospital I felt something had changed, I didn't for one minute think it was me. Until now. A part of me feels out of synch. The logical amongst you will be quick to tell me that of course it takes time to heal and you'd be absolutely right. I guess this is the moment I realise that. Having spent so much time on these pages talking through my issues with agoraphobia and depression I honestly felt headway was being made. The sadness and worry that has come with this health complication has put that progress on hold. I'm using the words ''on hold''' as I certainly do not want to say I've slipped back a few steps. I thought I had but I'm smart enough to know that I can't make that call when my physical health is so far below par. Physical healing comes with a positive mental attitude and I guess this is me here, trying to muster that from somewhere.
It's easy to post about pretty dresses when you're feeling on the up.
It's not easy to lay the truth out when you're slipping down.
Things have started to feel a little different.
So what do I do. How do I move forward from here. Well, I move. In any direction. I keep posting here and chatting to you guys. I keep trying. I just keep on trying.
Sera
xo
Sera, I'm glad you wrote this post. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through at the moment, all I can do is offer myself as a friend if you need it. I truly hope you find yourself on the way to being better soon, and that the pain from your operation and everything that has come with it fades and soon disappears.
ReplyDeleteI know spending time in the hospital must have been incredibly hard for you, but I want you to know as I am sure many others do, that I am very much so proud of you for staying in hospital for the time you did. I know it must have been tremendously difficult, but hopefully it was the right thing to do to get you on the path to being better!
You know I am always here if you need a chat, as you have been for me. Take time for yourself, none of us are expecting you to rush! I hope things feel a little less hazy for you soon. xo
You may not feel strong but somewhere inside there definatly is a fighter. *hug*
ReplyDeletewhat a brave post! sorry you're not feeling tickety boo but to paraphrase stephen fry just think of it like the rain, it'll be over eventually - don't worry about the whys and whens. here's the letter lol http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1219330/Stephen-Fry-saved-life-The-touching-letter-comedian-wrote-fellow-depression-sufferer.html
ReplyDeleteanyway i love your blog and your openness about difficult subjects when most people are so keen to project a flawless airbrushed life makes me love it even more.
you're brilliant!
thank you
xxx
a shy lurker <3
I can only imagine that chronic pain, even without other mental health issues, would get you down pretty quickly. Strong pain killers can have a huge impact on your thinking and interaction from the world too. My mum has terrible arthritis and was waiting for a double hip and knee replacement for a year or more. She was grey with the pain and the various painkillers she was on really took her personality away. It was like she was here but not here. Almost like she was in a bubble, spectate from us. When I went to see her at the hospital after her first big op a lot of those drugs were out of her system and my mummy was back. I wept to see her. I really hope that a solution is in sight for your physical health so that you can continue focusing on your mental health x
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to read that things are hard, but I'm so glad to see that you are determined not to slip back. Reading your blog for a few months has taught me that you are strong, so I know you can overcome this. I also know from experience how hard things can be when your brain is not on the same page, where you feel yourself slipping and aren't sure what to stop that. So my fingers are crossed that you'll find your way back on track soon. xx
ReplyDeleteYou are actually doing better than you think petal. Don't make any big decisions but also don't feel bad about not blogging until things settle for you, especially if the blog is feeling like another pressure. And ask your blogging and RL friends to help. We all would be happy to. Sending hugs, Avrilx
ReplyDeleteHi babes,
ReplyDeleteSo time for a public support.
I'm not reading defeatism in this post. At all. I'm reading "I need to take some me time". I'm reading "I need a time out". And this is to be expected. We all take mini breaks (or not so mini ones), so we can come back refreshed and revitalised.
So take your break, however long that may be, get better, get physically well, but don't underestimate the power of the blog to help formulate your thoughts, your feelings.
We don't expect a blog that covers everything from mental health and fashion, to be all UP all the time. We support you, and your highs and your lows. At your best, and your worst.
So, please don't make any rash blogging decisions right now.
Keep on, keeping on.
K xxx
Ah you poor thing it's totally understandable after going through that that your mindset isn't so positive. You need to give yourself time, keep talking to your readers when you feel like it and not put any pressure on yourself, we're all here however long it takes
ReplyDeletePlease give yourself time, your blog is great and your followers loyal. When you feel better (and you will feel better) you can restart. I suffer depression, anxiety, chronic pain & agoraphobia. I have learnt that you just go with it it will pass. xxx much love
ReplyDeleteRose
Stay strong Sera, know that there are people here willing you on to do well.
ReplyDeleteEven if you only post once a week to let readers know you're OK, just don't give up, you've come too far.
I was like his when i injured my knee and then re-injured it over a year ago, I concluded that this was my life for now. I embraced it and concertrated on getting fitter and better. I put everything on hold until I felt much stronger to cope (this included going back into CBT for depression and anxiety). We'll all still be here when you want to come back by the sounds of it we've all been in the same place xx
ReplyDeleteThank you all so very much for your continued support, I haven't even the words to fully express how much the blog and the support has helped me work through any issues up to and including this latest bout of ill health. If I could hug you all and feed you cupcakes I would xx
ReplyDeleteJust read this post Sera, I don't know sometimes if you realise how bloody brave you are - there are so many people who can read your posts and nod along with them. Lots of people can't even begin to put into words how they feel and you have not only the ability to do that, but the ability to then put it out there for the world to read. You're an inspiration to so many, we'd be lost without your posts. Take your time, you've been through an awful lot. Your body needs time to heal and your mind needs time to adjust, you're doing incredibly well. x
ReplyDeleteI often describe this kind of feeling - or absence of feeling - as a state of having 'drifted out to sea'. There are no meaningful words for it; everything and everyone is just a little too far out of reach; every effort seems a little too much.
ReplyDeleteIT PASSES. Even profound tiredness, that weight of senseless defeat - it always passes. Hold onto the certainty that it will.
xxx