I sit writing this post tonight after giving it a lot of consideration over the past week. Some things, believe it or not, even the more honest amongst us find hard to really put out there. It can be difficult to lay yourself bare, open to criticism or even just face up to the situation you're in. How does that old saying go? the truth can indeed be hard to handle.
This is where I find myself.
I found myself over the past year. Or at least a part of myself. I found joy on these pages, I truly did. I still do. But something has changed. I actually considered shutting down. For the very first time.
I feel tired. Truth be told I feel beaten. Can't blame anyone but myself for this defeatest attitude either so this post is me facing up to the situation I find myself.
I'm not getting much better. I had hoped and wrongly expected to be feeling a lot better nearly 2 weeks after what was meant to be a fairly straightforward surgery. Instead my mobility is still limited, my attention span isn't up to much, I'm on far too much medication than I think is healthy and I don't know where my mind is at.
This is the issue.
I'm anxious, I'm sad, I feel different. I don't know where my mind is at.
When I came home from the hospital I felt something had changed, I didn't for one minute think it was me. Until now. A part of me feels out of synch. The logical amongst you will be quick to tell me that of course it takes time to heal and you'd be absolutely right. I guess this is the moment I realise that. Having spent so much time on these pages talking through my issues with agoraphobia and depression I honestly felt headway was being made. The sadness and worry that has come with this health complication has put that progress on hold. I'm using the words ''on hold''' as I certainly do not want to say I've slipped back a few steps. I thought I had but I'm smart enough to know that I can't make that call when my physical health is so far below par. Physical healing comes with a positive mental attitude and I guess this is me here, trying to muster that from somewhere.
It's easy to post about pretty dresses when you're feeling on the up.
It's not easy to lay the truth out when you're slipping down.
Things have started to feel a little different.
So what do I do. How do I move forward from here. Well, I move. In any direction. I keep posting here and chatting to you guys. I keep trying. I just keep on trying.