Guest Post: The Great Debate

Let me be very clear from the get go here lovely readers. I detest ''size bashing''. I detest it so much it almost leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I feel physically repulsed every time I see any ''size bashing''. In the last few weeks I've been dealing with quite a few comments along the lines of demeaning my struggle with my own weight. Making light of the decision I made. Accusing me of buying into the ''skinny culture''. I'm sure you get the picture. 

I am all for people feeling comfortable in their own skin. Feeling healthy. I am not, in any way shape or form, ok with seeing any size bashing. 

With this in mind I'm introducing a guest post to you all today from a wonderful woman by the name of Chloe. Chloe posted a comment on Facebook over the weekend that resonated so completely with me that I asked her to discuss her feelings here on The Agoraphobic Fashionista. 

We hope you take away the message that is intended.

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When Susie Orbach suggested 'Fat is a Feminist Issue' in 1978, the average dress size in the UK was probably about a 12; now it's closer to a 16/18. The reason I say probably is not because I can't be bothered to research – it's because I can remember going to M&S with my mum, an average sized woman, and she bought a size 12. Whilst she always thought she was fat, she really wasn't, and she's always been how I judge 'an average size'. 

I've talked before about my weight, and my relationship with food, but I didn't go into details about my relationship with my own body. I'm now 38, and slightly fatter than I'd like to be – I always know when I'm too fat for myself because I can feel my neck jowls bunching up and I get calf splints when I walk. I no longer own a full length mirror because I honestly don't care. I know if I'm too fat by the way I feel, and as long as I have clothes on, that's good enough for me. 

I'm fat – I have always been fat to a degree. For me it's just a description of my body. Fat has been used towards me as an insult over the years, but it doesn't hurt me. The only time being called fat upset me was when I was 15, and a boy said I was too fat to go out with, unless we lived in London; apparently in the small town I grew up in, being fat wasn't as well accepted as in the Capital.

For some people, being fat isn't just a description, it's a badge of honour. The 'Fat Pride' movement has become more widespread in recent years. I've heard complaints about this from a wide variety of people, the most compelling argument of which was this; being fat is not really the same as being gay. 

It's generally accepted, by all but the most stubborn or unintelligent people, that being gay is not a choice, it's the way you are born. You cannot be 'turned' gay, and sexuality is a sliding scale rather than black or white. 

Whilst some people are genetically more likely to be overweight, it's not really something you're born with. The fundamental difference between being fat and being gay is that you can make yourself fat and you do have a certain amount of control over your weight. 

Going back as far as I can remember, every woman on my mother's side of the family was large, my mother being the smallest at a 14-16. I don't know if this is because of something in my genetic make-up meaning I'm more likely to retain weight, or because being overweight is a side-effect of some mental health issue which runs in our family, or if it's just due to just nurture rather than nature.

The biggest similarity between being fat and being gay is actually that people are teased about it. In recent years, the term 'queer', once used as an insult, has been reclaimed and used in a descriptive way – and this is actually what I like the most about 'fat pride'. Whilst I'm not particularly 'proud' of being fat, I'm OK with it. Even when I lost eight stone, I was still fat. I was fit and healthy, but definitely fat. 

Since going to Plus North last year, I've met loads of amazing fat bloggers, who really don't care about their weight but care about fashion. I went because I make jewellery to fit people, not because I'm fat – that was just a nice side benefit. I've always believed people should be able to get jewellery to fit, whether their necks are massive, or their wrists are tiny. I spent the day making jewellery to fit, and meeting plus size fashion bloggers, a lot of which I've kept in touch with. 

I know where I'm going with this – I'm just trying to say it in a way which isn't offensive, like most things I say. I'll skip back a little.... 

My husband uses a wheelchair. I love him because of who he is, not because of the wheelchair, and

not despite of the wheelchair. I'm not going to say it's not something I think about, because that's ridiculous; I love him and he uses a wheelchair, of course I think about it.

We have a friend who has cerebral palsy. He's joined a few dating sites, all of which are for disabled people. I was upset for him by this. He shouldn't be limiting himself to people who either are disabled, or who want a disabled boyfriend. I met someone with a disability fetish once, because she was going out with someone else at Ian's university who uses a wheelchair, and I didn't share her attitude at all. I'm not with Ian because I have a fetish for people who are paralysed, but I also respect that she has a fetish for people with disabilities. 

My friend with cerebral palsy is a lovely man – I've always said he would make someone an amazing boyfriend, would treat whoever he's lucky enough to be with like a princess, and it would mean we could double date (I'm half joking here). I literally don't understand people limiting themselves just to people who have the same physical characteristics. 

Now I come to my point. I know a lot of great women who happen to be plus sized. I also know a lot of amazing women who are not. I want everyone to stop 'skinny bashing'. We don't have to put ourselves into two camps – skinny and fat.

Just because someone is thinner, it doesn't mean they've 'betrayed the sisterhood'* – they're still 'real' women. Not every woman is 'curvy', and I reject the idea that voluptuous is merely a polite term for being fat. 

Yesterday I saw a cartoon stating that 'people don't want a t-bone steak that's all bone, they want meat on it' with a picture of a woman with a fat ass. It offended me. You might be surprised because I'm fat, but in all honesty it's because I actually, totally and vociferously believe that no one should be judged by their appearance, whether they're considered fat or thin, or curvy, voluptuous, 'meaty' or 'bony'. 

The reason I was asked to write this is because Sera has been accused of accepting the media representation of what is 'normal'. After a short time of knowing her, I know she lost a lot of weight so she could stay alive longer for her child and change her son's nappies. If she'd said to me she lost weight to feel better when looking at herself in the mirror, I'd have felt exactly the same. Someone choosing to lose weight so they like how they look in the mirror is nothing to do with me. As long as they're doing it for them, and not for someone else, that's totally their choice. 

I choose my friends on their personalities, not on the way they look or feel about the way they look. I have friends who are transvestites, gay, transsexuals, straight, feminist, 'traditional men' for want of a better word, religious, atheists, black, disabled... I literally couldn't give a shit. If I like someone I'll spend time with them, and if I don't I won't, and it will never have anything to do with a box society chooses to put them in. I won't choose to hang around with people just because they're the same size as me – I hang around with them because I like them. 

I may lose weight in the next few weeks, because I want to get into using my rowing machine again, because I enjoy it and it will help with the shin splints. It does not mean I feel any different about myself, or any of my friends. Anyone who thinks me dropping a dress size is betraying any ideas I have about myself or other people can, quite frankly, find themselves a new friend.

* totally stolen from Spaced when Daisy is encouraged to wear lipstick

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Chloe from www.lifesbigcanvas.co.uk

If you like what Chloe has to say and you'd like to support her in any way you can, have a look at her store, linked above, and you'll find her on twitter, @peskychloe
I know she'd love to hear from you as to your thoughts and feelings.

Thank you for spending some time reading here today.

Sera
xo